IDENTIFICATION: Look for a petite, symmetrically shaped body with optional breast implants. Her (slightly) long and hooked nose tends to be perfectly sculpted after rhinoplasty, which is very common. Other field marks, also associated with the Persian Princess (Jewish Persian/Iranian-American chick), include deep-set, dark brown, cat-like eyes; dramatic eyebrows; a (slightly) long face; dark, olive-tinged skin; and straight, shiny black (or bleached blond) hair. Often naturally hairy but meticulously waxed or lasered. Frequently wears heavy makeup, trendy (gold) accessories and high-end, expensive designer outfits (with plenty of black).
WHOA! – DON’T I NOSE YOU?: A perfect nose is a big deal for Persian-American chicks, especially the Fuzzy Muzzy.
FETCH! – THE WARM FUZZIES: The Fuzzy Muzzy is rarely fuzzy by the time you meet her, although her dad probably is. In fact, she tends to be marginally hotter than the Persian Princess, presumably – at least in part – because she’s more likely to marry outside of her narrow religious and ethnic group.
IDENTIFICATION: Tends to be petite, pear-shaped and (slightly) overweight, with medium-sized to large breasts and a round, flabby butt from lack of exercise. Normally has a relatively long face and slightly hooked and naturally big or long nose. Other field marks, also associated with the Fuzzy Muzzy (Muslim Persian / Iranian-American chick), include: Deep-set, dark brown, cat-like eyes; dramatic eyebrows; dark, olive-tinged skin; and straight, shiny black (or bleached blond) hair. Naturally hairy but regularly waxed or lasered. Often wears heavy makeup and expensive designer outfits with lots of black. Commonly opts for rhinoplasty and/or breast augmentation.
SONG: Always asks if you’re Jewish. Loud, singsongy, drawn-out way of speaking. Loquacious, expressive and highly opinionated. Fidgety and whiny at times.
BEHAVIOR: Family-oriented, with a large extended family and parents who spoil her. Strong-willed but not particularly individualistic and occasionally rather close-minded. Materialistic, flamboyant and ostentatious but bright, (relatively) well-educated and enterprising – at least until marriage, when she’ll quit her job to stay home. Warm and affectionate with close (Jewish) friends and family but arrogant and argumentative with others at times. Acts innocent but lies with ease if necessary to manipulate her controlling parents or others, including you. Enjoys and appreciates the best of Persian culture, including its cuisine and hookah.
IDENTIFICATION: The Symmetrical Force, also known as the Spice Rack, tends to have delicate, symmetrical features on a round, cute-as-a-button face; a big smile; long, dark brown or black hair that’s silky smooth and straight or slightly wavy; wide-set brown eyes (often with a slight slant or bronze circles underneath); and soft bronzed or brown skin. Normally petite, finely toned and symmetrically shaped. Bust size varies, but breast implants are practically a rite of passage and she likes ’em BIG. Often seeks aesthetic perfection through a nose job, liposuction, butt implants or collagen injections. Impeccably well-groomed, made-up and maintained. Over-accessorizes with big belts, earrings and more. Unafraid to wear white pants.
NOTABLES: Sofia Vergara, Manuela Arbeláez (The Price is Right), Monica Fonseca, Paola Turbay (of Lebanese descent), Daniela Lopez Osorio, Paula Garces, Maria Checa, Alba Galindo, Evelin Santos, Cindy Luna, Karen Carreno, Lina Maya, and Ximena Duque.
If you love Tony Horton but remember your first grueling day of P90X, this is for you.
IDENTIFICATION: Also known as the “Mormon” or “Molly Mormon,” this chick is as well-groomed, white (9 times out of 10), and meticulously made-up as a Stepford Wife. Tends to have a slender to average-sized body because Mormonism requires a healthy diet, exercise and plenty of sleep. Often wears modest, preppy or dowdy clothing and accessories in accordance with standards set forth by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in a pamphlet entitled For the Strength of Youth (the “Standards”). Rarely disfigures her body with tattoos or body piercings for the same reason.
BEHAVIOR: Exceedingly friendly, polite, generous and serene but a little preachy, self-righteous and boring at times. Doesn’t drink alcohol, coffee or tea, and tries to avoid others who do (including you if the shoe fits). Doesn’t smoke, gamble or shake her booty like Beyonce either, but eats a lot of ice cream and exercises regularly to work it off. Church-going, God-fearing, conservative, and usually Republican. Proud of her pioneering Mormon descendants. Almost always has a large, close-knit family with a strong father figure. Often thrifty, well-educated and outdoorsy.
IDENTIFICATION: The Afrodisiac closely resembles other black chicks, but field marks for chickspotters with a keen eye include: A non-Western pose, with slightly hunched shoulders and minimal back arch; natural facial features with little or no plastic surgery; relatively modest or traditional attire; and optional African accessories.
SONG: Tends to speak proper English with a charming African accent. Has a non-verbal vocabulary that other Africans understand but you won’t. Quick to differentiate herself from American-born black chicks.
FETCH! – SWEET TALK: She wants and expects you to walk up and make your move. Sweet talk works but avoid corny pick-up lines and find something to compliment besides her ass. She already knows she’s got a great butt.
IDENTIFICATION: Field marks include an angular face with straight-across eyebrows and delicate features; a rounded nose; feline eyes; tar black (straight and nicely styled) hair; high cheekbones; slightly buck teeth; and silky smooth skin. Tends to have thick ankles and stubby “turnip legs” (daikon ashi) on a slim, petite frame, with naturally small breasts and a shapely, moderately curvaceous butt. Usually the coolest-looking and best dressed chick in the room, with a preference for uber-American style and famous brands, including Marlboro Red cigarettes. Often hitches up her skirt or wears (boots with) platform heels to make her legs look longer. Seldom resorts to exhibitionist or overtly sexual attire.
SONG: Relatively quiet and comfortable with silence, like the Finnish-American Silencer. Often avoids eye contact with strangers. Rarely says “no” directly – especially in person – and won’t be the first one to say “I want . . .” or “I think we should . . .” because she doesn’t want to appear rude, pushy or overly opinionated. Covers her mouth and laughs at almost any joke, even if she doesn’t get it, which is often the case.
WHOA! – MAKE SURE “YES” MEANS “YES”: If you say “I’d like to take you out on a date next weekend,” and she says “Yes,” don’t assume that you have a date. She may mean: “Yes, you would like to take me out on a date next weekend,” not “Yes, I would like that too.”
IDENTIFICATION: Country sexy without overstatement. No debutante or prepster but looks damn good with her pearly white smile and glowing skin even when her hands are dirty. Keeps it real but gets her hair and nails done regularly and cosmetic enhancements are increasingly common. Tends to be (slightly) large-framed but slender or athletic and toned because she spends plenty of time working and playing outdoors. Blond (with highlights) is still the Southern color of choice, but there are lots of attractive brunettes and redheads too. Often spotted wearing a fitted T-shirt or tube top, cut-off (cheerleader or Daisy Duke) shorts, flip-flops or running shoes with no-show socks. Prefers a bikini, short shorts and optional cowboy hat at the lake, hot springs, or beach on summer weekends.
IDENTIFICATION: Like an athlete on steroids to get an edge, the model/actress (or “Mattress”) does everything physically and surgically possible to win in the entertainment industry. She’s young and fit or modelesque, with prominently displayed breasts and nice buns. She also tends to be well-groomed and dressed to impress in a subtly cool and sexy way, unlike tourists who overdo it.
IDENTIFICATION: Ask this happy-go-lucky chick about her best feature and chances are she’ll turn around and show you her big, cheeky bum bum. Other field marks include strong, sexy legs; a small waist; naturally small breasts (but boob jobs are increasingly common); a lean, athletic frame; twinkling brown eyes; full lips; and a warm smile. Often a curly or wavy-haired brunette with optional highlights. Complexion varies from golden to dark brown. Dresses to be sexy and loves to wear a skimpy Brazilian bikini with optional anklet.
NOTABLES: Adriana Lima, Camila Alves-McConaughey, Alessandra Ambrosia, Isabeli Fontana, Gisele Bundchen, Alice Braga, Gleicy Santos, Yaya DeCosta (1/2 New England Beer Muff), and Morena Baccarin.
SONG: Enjoys small talk, laughter and affection as means of communication. Occasionally loud. Brazilian Portuguese, not Spanish, is her native tongue. Normally doesn’t even like the sound of Spanish. Known to baffle gringos because ‘Yes” (Sim) means anything from “Yes” to “Perhaps” to “No;” “Perhaps” (Talvez) means “No;” “No” (Nao) means “No. Absolutely never. Not in a million years. This is the craziest thing I’ve ever been asked;” “A hug. A kiss” (Um abraco! Um beijo!) means “Take care. Bye;” “Let’s see” (Vamos ver) means “Not a chance. Please drop it;” and “I’ll be there in ten minutes” (Vou chegar em dez minuteinhos) means “Sometimes in the next half-hour I’ll get up off the sofa and looking for my keys.”