The Bumbshell (Brazilian-American Chica)

IDENTIFICATION: Ask this happy-go-lucky chick about her best feature and chances are she’ll turn around and show you her big, cheeky bum bum. Other field marks include strong, sexy legs; a small waist; naturally small breasts (but boob jobs are increasingly common); a lean, athletic frame; twinkling brown eyes; full lips; and a warm smile. Often a curly or wavy-haired brunette with optional highlights. Complexion varies from golden to dark brown. Dresses to be sexy and loves to wear a skimpy Brazilian bikini with optional anklet.

NOTABLES: Adriana Lima, Camila Alves-McConaughey, Alessandra Ambrosia, Isabeli Fontana, Gisele Bundchen, Alice Braga, Gleicy Santos, Yaya DeCosta (1/2 New England Beer Muff), and Morena Baccarin.

SONG: Enjoys small talk, laughter and affection as means of communication. Occasionally loud. Brazilian Portuguese, not Spanish, is her native tongue. Normally doesn’t even like the sound of Spanish. Known to baffle gringos because ‘Yes” (Sim) means anything from “Yes” to “Perhaps” to “No;” “Perhaps” (Talvez) means “No;” “No” (Nao) means “No. Absolutely never. Not in a million years. This is the craziest thing I’ve ever been asked;” “A hug. A kiss” (Um abraco! Um beijo!) means “Take care. Bye;” “Let’s see” (Vamos ver) means “Not a chance. Please drop it;” and “I’ll be there in ten minutes” (Vou chegar em dez minuteinhos) means “Sometimes in the next half-hour I’ll get up off the sofa and looking for my keys.”

BEHAVIOR: Exceptionally happy, positive and non-confrontational. Rarely loses her sense of humor or takes life too seriously. Spontaneous and adventurous but seldom punctual. Social life revolves around family and friends, not work. Often religious (Roman Catholic) and interested in astrology, psychic readings or other mystic pursuits.

MATING: Arguably the most promiscuous of America’s Latinas, despite her Catholicism. Loves foreplay, especially kissing. Always fully waxed and ready for action. Highly flirtatious, sensual and sexually uninhibited but often scandalous and fickle. Typically expects you to assume a portion of her extended family’s financial obligations in Brazil if the relationship gets serious.

WHOA! – A KISS IS JUST A KISS: Don’t be surprised if the Bumbshell kisses you lustfully in one moment and another guy the same way in the next. She may also lie (to spare your feelings), cheat (to indulge her own) or keep ex-boyfriends around (just in case).

PROMISCUITY: 9.5 (on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 as least and 10 as most).

TIME TO CLOSE: 1 to 4 dates.

FETCH! – SPEAK INTO HER EAR: If you’re trying to pick up a Bumbshell who isn’t fully assimilated, seize the first opportunity to move in close and speak directly into her ear. Stay there as long as you can and keep talking. (She probably thinks your American accent is sexy and she doesn’t need much personal space anyway). Then, when the time is right, move from her ear to her lips for a kiss. If she pulls away, just go back to the ear and start over as if nothing happened. Works like a charm.

MAGNETS: Attracted to men who are successful, generous (with their money, time, and love), family-oriented and patient when she acts in ways you don’t understand. The hotter she is, the more likely she is to be attracted only to rich guys. If you’re white, she’ll assume that you have money, but she’ll also assume that you’re boring, anal-retentive, and a poor dancer.

POPULATION: Common in Miami-Dade County, FL (especially North Bay Village, Bay Harbor Islands, Miami Beach, Surfside, Key Biscayne, Aventura, and North Miami Beach), Broward County, FL (especially, Loch Lomond, Bonnie Loch-Woodsetter North, Deerfield Beach, Pompano Beach, Oakland Park, Coconut Creek, Lighthouse Point, and Sea Ranch Lakes) and to a lesser extent Palm Beach County, FL (especially Boca Raton). Somewhat common in New Jersey (especially East Newark, Harrison, Kearny and Long Branch), Los Angeles (especially Redondo Beach and Venice Boulevard in West LA), New York City (especially West 46th Street and Astoria, Queens), Massachusetts (especially Framingham, Somerville, Vineyard Haven, West Yarmouth, Marlborough and Everett), and Connecticut (especially Danbury).

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